a little dotty

I've never understood myself, I'm an absolute nutter.

One day, I won't leave my room and convince myself the world is better off without my failure ass.
14 hours later I'm trotting around the place like a 6 year old on her birthday.

At the moment I'm listening to one of the saddest sounding songs I've ever heard that rightfully should be turning me into blow-my-brains-out Gen. Instead I'm having a right old giggle because I feel like a dotty old nanna with my big cardigan, one shoe on and a spoon hanging from my mouth. Grinning like the world is made from pink cotton candy and we ride unicorns to class. Shit that would be handy. If I had a unicorn I'd want a gold one.

Aaaaand that above sentence is why I think I'm off my tree.

oh god I'm jealous.

I knew before I even properly met my boyfriend that he was a charmer and some ladies just love him. Hey, he charmed me after all, and some of my friends before me. I think I was just being naive in thinking that once he had a girlfriend that girls would automatically avoid him, though I'm not saying that I don't want any girls talking to him at all since that would be hypocritical of me. 80% of my close friends are guys and I spend as much time with them as I do with him. It's just when he comes home from work with the 3rd cute little picture drawn for him by some girl who only comes to the cafe to see him and confide in him, and constantly talking about, doing things for, and worrying about a girl he lives with, trusty old insecure Gen pops up and wonders 'maybe he doesn't actually like me, he just needs some bed company and is tolerating all the in-between crap because he knows I'll still get into bed with him at the end of the night'.
I'll never say these things to him though, because I try to keep my neurotic, typically female thoughts to myself. There's enough crazy bitches around for me to start acting like one of them.

how I see the world

Everyone who tells me I have shit taste/am strange/socially retarded;
'overused Mean Girls quote post on Facebook wall'
"OMMGGGG I LOVE THAT MOVIEE <3"
(Repeated misuse of 'your/you're')
"Let's watch it for the 23718723rd time!!"
"OMG LETZZZ <3"

My friends and I;
"It's a black and white 1932 film which uses real sideshow freaks as its cast."
"Sounds great, but first let me show you this old German zombie film."
"All good."

Things that should be more important than buying alcohol right now

1. Paying off the remaining $1600 of my accommodation fees.
2. Getting my car fixed OR
3. Saving for a new car.
4. Saving for a bond for the house I will be moving into before the year is out.
5. Buying some god damn mittens for my frozen fingers.
6. Buying food.

Things that are going to take priority over buying alcohol.
1. Nothing.

It's the truth that if I hadn't spent so much on alcohol these last 18 months, I would have more than enough money for everything on that first list. I need to reassess my priorities. Unfortunately I am one of the sad individuals that rely on alcohol to get through every day without jumping off the bridge. I like to call those individuals "Waller's".

I lesbians you

I did it, I got drunk on Friday night and told him I love him. I thought long and hard about it too, I wanted to be sure. I didn't want to tell him yet but I needed him to know. The best part was, he said he loved me back too. Now that it's been said I feel I don't have to watch myself every time it goes to slip out, like it was before. This doesn't mean I'm throwing it around like it has no meaning, like with the last one. I say it when I mean it and as infrequently as it may be, I have no regrets because at the end of the day, he says it back, we have sex and sleep naked and laugh and drink coffee and truly love each other. And it's best.  :)

The spotlight shines upon you.

I was once told that my eyes are the brightest green when I am crying. I find that both beautiful and tragic. Anyone who knows me well knows I pride my green eyes above any other physical trait of mine. The fact that I can only achieve the beautiful green I know my eyes are capable of when I'm crying and distraught, really makes me feel low. It's as though it's telling me to be my most beautiful, I have to be at my lowest and worst point. Fuck you, nature.

Vanilla milkshakes.

When I was little, before my nan's house burnt down, I used to go and visit her nearly every day. Whenever I did, she would make me pretend Milo coffees while she had her real coffees, or vanilla milkshakes. They weren't really milkshakes, there was no ice cream in them, she just frothed the milk up a little. But they were the best thing ever.

I don't know whether it's the milk I miss, or just that whole experience. Nanny not having to work and stress, just sitting in her little kitchen by the wood fire stove, her with her cuppa and me with my milk, and talking and telling stories. I want that Nanny back, not the sad, tired old lady who gambles away all her money and spends 14 hours of her day serving assholes in a cold little shop.

To this day, I will still go and visit her whenever I'm bored or lonely or trying to hide from the world. I like to pride myself on that fact, that even through all the shit that's happened over the last 10 years I can still run and hide with my Nanny and sit by the fire and have something to drink at the table and talk about life. Even though I'm not that small girl with vanilla milk in Mahonga St, having seen and experienced all the horrors that have come my way and fucked my brain up beyond a joke, all the mistakes I've made and people I've pushed away, I will always be my Nanny's little girl, her number one Bebe. Nothing anyone can say, especially my mother, will ever change how much she means to me. She has loved me more unconditionally and true than anyone else I know. The day I lose her is going to be the end of me.

I love you Nanny <3

Thoughts I had today.

- I'm going to have a nap and then some noodles.
- Fuck you Uneke, I didn't want to work there anyway but desperate times = desperate measures.
- I think I may love my boyfriend.

Only 2 of these would be suitable to put as Facebook statuses. Take a wild guess which one wouldn't.
Instead, they're all being written here where no one will read them.

Daily Gen

Today I woke up at 11am, braved the cold winter cement barefoot for a cigarette, then headed for the shower gargling with coffee. For now, I'm being the good little housewife and washing the boyfriends clothes, after making him breakfast and making the bed we slept naked in last night. Later I will buy groceries and sit back and continue to enjoy my life :)